Scared
by MexiJew
Summary: A songfic to how Ichigo first felt about his hollow, before gaining control.


_Scared_

_At night I hear it creeping,  
>At night I feel it move<br>I'll never sleep here anymore._

He yelled, his body jerking itself up like a twisted marionette. Sweat beads decorated his forehead, and as he tried to regain his breath and a normal heart beat, Ichigo heard the low, maniacal laugh. Somewhere in the back of his mind, that bastard lurked, waiting for the precise moment to pounce. His hollow, that one side of him that latched on like a blood deprived leach. Even when he was subconscious, it was there, watching, plotting the next time he'd take over. For some reason, Ichigo realized this might be the last time he could sleep again.

_I wish you never told me  
>I wish I never knew.<br>I wake up screaming  
>It's all because of you.<em>

The day Urahara and everyone had brought up this maniacal power, Ichigo felt even more alone. Not only was he a Substitute Shinigami, but he had a darkness dwelling in his heart. He hated it. He wished more than anything that they wouldn't have told him, that he could deal with himself, and maybe even trick himself into believing that it was some kind of power he'd gained through his zanpakuto. Ever since he let it come through, again, against the Bount, whenever Ichigo closed his eyes, he saw his own madness staring back at him. It was enough to make him yell and cry out in surprise. Whenever he dreamt, it usually involved his mother, and as he dug deeper to a deep sleep, and REM would kick in and _he _had control. It was sickening. Ichigo was too damn scared to really fight; letting out again could kill those around him, those he loved and cared for.

_So real these voices in my head  
>When it comes back you won't be<br>Scared and lonely  
>You won't be scared, you won't be<br>You won't be scared and lonely  
>You won't be scared you won't be lonely.<em>

The whispers of power Ichigo would here while working at school, or even just reading a book, were so real he could almost grab it. And with each word, he got louder, until Ichigo either acted out or yelled. His yelling was still louder, thankfully. But it always came back. Some days, as annoying as a headache. Others, it would feel as if he'd be shot in the back nine times. It promised him that he wouldn't be lonely, that if he accepted, he'd feel pleasure and he wouldn't be scared any longer. Of course, Ichigo would never admit that. He wasn't scared! So many people depended on him that it was his job to _not _be scared. But, he had to admit one thing; sleep would be nice.

_I know there's something out there  
>I think I hear it move<br>I've never felt like this before._

Under Urahara's shop, when he'd train and attempt to shut it out, Ichigo still knew it was out there, watching him. Ichigo felt like a plump buck in deer season. He'd never been this cautious, this careful of his own movements. And if he even felt a trace of it, whether or not it was his imagination or not, he'd change back and leave. Head hung low and dignity forgotten, Ichigo couldn't remember a time where he'd felt like this; even after his mother died, he hadn't jumped at the sound of twigs. If anything, he got better, and gave up feeling fear. He was the big brother, and the big brother had a whole family to protect. There was no chance in hell that Ichigo was going to let this monster loose in risk of hurting Yuzu and Karin…hell, even his dad, goat face, and whatever he had called him on many occasions. But the fact remained that at this moment, he'd rather have died and risked it then gone back to their smiling faces, knowing he'd let them down.

_I wish you never told me  
>I wish I never knew<br>I wake up screaming  
>It's all because of you.<em>

"We're so happy your home, brother!"

"MY SON, PREPARE FOR A KICK TO THE FACE –"

"…I'm going to bed." Ichigo couldn't handle it. Hearing them tell him how proud, how happy they were that he was home. He'd failed them! He'd let this monster get to him! Half heartedly, he shut his door and glared at his bed. Ichigo hadn't slept in a while; in fact, thirty six hours. The empty energy drink cans proved this. Ichigo began to shake, sliding down his door. His shaking hands came up to his hair and he tried breathing. It didn't work. Nothing worked anymore. Tightening his fists, he hissed a curse, almost screaming when it was answered.

"You're too weak!"

It's all because of this thing, too.

_It's all because of you  
>I wish you never told me<br>I wake up screaming now  
>So real these voices in my head<br>So real these voices in my head  
>I wake up screaming now<br>I wish you never told me  
>I wish I never knew.<em>

Ichigo couldn't take it anymore. And hour of sleep per week, and how he hadn't killed anyone, he had no idea. Eating was almost out of the question, seeing it almost every time came back up. He'd do it, though. Yuzu was trying her hardest, walking in to a shivering, pathetic excuse of a brother and handing him a bowl of chicken soup. Ichigo couldn't even go to school. The nightmares, they got worse. He no longer yelled; it was more a scream of agony. His sisters would wake him up, or attempt to, until his dad managed it. Embarrassed, he'd pretend to fall back asleep; every time. Willing himself into a lazy cat nap was all he could do, and that wasn't enough. Eventually, he gave up. He ignored the voices, listening to loud music or watching TV. It didn't help, but he could play dumb and think it was the lyrics or the announcer. It was so pathetic. Ichigo would begin to shake uncontrollably, and the voice would laugh. It was mocking him.

_Scared and lonely  
>You won't be scared, you won't be<br>You won't be scared and lonely  
>You won't be scared you won't be lonely.<em>

Scared and lonely. The two words that were once alien were so familiar. Rukia would come by, try to slap some sense into him. Did it work? Not really. He'd only look away in shame as Rukia expressed her disappointment in either loud, harsh words, or silence. Ichigo hated the silence. He'd rather her yell her heart out to him, express every dislike she could muster, as long as it wasn't silent. Eventually, she'd leave, and he would feel the shame and guilt and anger build up until he couldn't take it anymore. All the emotions in his stomach would make whatever had been in there come up. Pathetic. Truly, even _he _had stopped mocking him.

_Scared and lonely  
>You won't be scared, you won't be<br>You won't be scared and lonely  
>You won't be scared you won't be lonely<em>

Liar.

* * *

><p>Very angsty D: This is how I would picture him depressed, I hope it was to your liking :) review?<p> 


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